i miss who i was. by Melis Gordem

a carefree child who didn’t care
as to who paid attention to her
as long as she got to speak to herself.
i enjoyed playing with dolls by myself,
creating unrealistic scenarios
and shaping moldable realities
for these plastic figures.
i indulged in fanciful video games,
portrayed myself in different worlds
and viewed different fantasies
than my pure imagination can ever fathom.
i ran as fast as i could at parks,
basking in the gentle golden rays
and passing through sprinklers that continue creating a rainbow mirage.
i communicated with kids who i thought were like me
and decided to open up
until i have been forced shut.

the days when i have once been connected to myself are long gone.
no innermost thoughts that were as iridescent as before,
for all have succumbed to cruelty and animosity.
i wish i could’ve prevented this from happening;
the leakage of poison causing a heart of darkness to erupt.
but what can i do?
how do i return to the innocence of my youth?
atonement should be key,
but will i ever be able to accomplish such bold demands?
will i ever revert to who i used to be before He?
will i ever stop disconnecting from soul to body?

i yearn for who i will be.
a woman who understands where she has been
and how she could adjust her path as she pleases.
if my cognition has worked up such a distorted desire,
perhaps i can shift this desire to passion for a better me?
a me that does not commit self-destructive sins,
a me that looks forward instead of downwards,
a me who believes that life will change,
and finally
a me who is me from the past and the future.

these are present worries

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